Writing the words that I named this post makes my stomach turn. The thought of “my plan” what I wanted, what I thought was best………I have been writing this post for weeks over and over in my head. I want to truly convey the sadness I felt at this time, and the great joy I feel now and hope you will join me on this post and take something from my honesty that may help whatever you may be going through right now.
It was May of 2011, Cary had just graduated with his PhD and in typically Katie fashion it was time to implement my plan. Without getting into the nitty gritty, my plan was to make a baby. I had had this planned since Cary told me he wanted to get his PhD while we were engaged, we would get married, live off beans until he finished school and then start a family as soon as that degree was in hand. Little did we know we would move 13 hours away from home in the midst of all of this but that was just a kink in my well thought out path of our lives…..keep in mind, MY PLAN!
I had mentioned to Cary a few times that I was ready and that as soon as school was over I wanted him to really sit down and talk about this with me so May came around, I brought it up and he wasn’t ready. I was devastated! I wanted this! It was what I had been looking forward to all year in fact I even had the time planned out, it would take maybe a month to get pregnant so around June, I would be in the midst of the worst part in the coldest months of the year and have a sweet valentines baby….sounded perfect to me! But he wasn’t ready, how had I not planned for this??? “OK???” I asked, “then when will you be?!?!” we had a lot of family visiting that summer so he said, let’s just wait until the dust settles from all this company and the busy summer and then see where things go.
August rolls around, the last of our company leaves, our next trip isn’t planned until the end of September so I broach the subject again and without too much detail, we start trying. I’m not going to lie, we got pregnant the first try. We were shocked, thrilled, scared, excited and not ready at all! But my plan was in action, I was going to have my little girl. Yes, there was no other option, the baby MUST MUST be a girl! Katie LeWare Humber cannot have a boy…..I don’t have a tomboy bone in my body. I know nothing about sports, hate to get dirty, bugs terrify me and boy clothes?!?! So the decision was made, we would have a girl (ha….seriously, this is how I thought!)
We keep our mouths shut as long as we can, 8 grueling weeks, and we let the cat out of the bag. I went home to visit my parents and go to the beach and told them and my extended family. When I got home we called Cary’s family and then we told all our friends….EVERYONE….at 8 weeks (yet again, another plan gone wrong…keep reading)
The beginning of my first pregnancy was somewhat normal, I was tired, a little sick and started gaining weight. I bought a few outfits (all girl clothes mind you, all girl) I started picking out names (girl names) and designing a nursery (pink of course). We went for the first ultrasound at 8 weeks, the baby was a bit small for how far along I was but the doctor said no concern, strong heart beat, I probably just had my conception date wrong (looking back I should have known something was up, I KNEW my conception date….did I mention the planning part?)
Our next ultrasound wasn’t scheduled until I was 13 weeks. That week I didn’t feel “right” I felt I was losing weight, I wasn’t sick anymore and I had more energy, all things that should not be happening, but it was my first pregnancy, what did I know? The day before my appointment I spotted, not a lot but some. I called the doctor and told them, they said I was coming the next day so unless it got much worse, just to wait. The next morning it was worse, my appointment was at 2:00 but I called Cary at work and asked him to please just meet me for lunch and sit with me so we did.
I really haven’t gotten to the point in my life that I can talk openly, with everyone, about what happened next…….at the doctor at the hospital, on the ride home and back for surgery first thing in the morning. But it was torture, it was, and still is the hardest thing I have every been through. But that isn’t the reason for this post anyway, the reason is to show just how unbelievably stupid I was in thinking I had a plan.
In the blink of an eye, my plan was over, gone, done. There was no baby, no girl…….no pink, no ruffles, no bows…..over. That’s how it can work though, we can plan and decide and map things out but if God doesn’t have that in the cards for us it can all be gone in a second. I’m not saying we shouldn’t plan, that we should just go through life floating along, I am saying it’s not in our hands.
I learned more in the months between the death of our child and having Hoke than I had learned my entire life. I learned to give things to God, just give it all up and let Him take over. This was a freeing time in my life, it took such a huge burden off of my shoulders, to just let God have it all. I no longer wanted that girl, that baby, I wanted a child. I wanted another person to love and nurture and raise into a great person who I would be proud of. When we started trying again I can honestly say it did not matter to me one bit if we had a boy or girl I just wanted to bring a child into this world with Cary and love it with every ounce of my being.
I can’t imagine life without Hoke. I can’t imagine my “girl”, he is the most perfect, wonderful person God has ever placed on this earth. He is amazing! And get this….I’M A BOY MOM! I’m awesome at it if I do say so myself! I play in dirt occasionally, I’ve been peed on more times than I can count and I am learning a great deal about trucks. But MY GOD do I love this child. Of course if Hoke had been a girl I would have loved her, of course, but nothing, NOTHING compares to my sweet precious little boy.
I love this verse:
I read this in my darkest moments…between losing a child and becoming pregnant with my sweet prince….and it is so true! The pain was awful, it was torture like I said, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the joy he brings me. So plan, plan all you want to, map out your life to the day….then burn it because it isn’t about you and what you want. I learned this the hard way believe me! But if you happen to learn this the hard way, use it to show people what you learned and in my case, the beauty that comes after the storm, after your plans (my plans) are swept away and better plans, glorious plans, are in store!